forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
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Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
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I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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