I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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