its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
