chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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