When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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