I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
