we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
