I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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