from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
