He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Randomize
