Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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