all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
