508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
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