Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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