He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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