Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
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Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
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New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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