I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
