The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
