I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
