So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I could make wine with my vomit
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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