Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
