I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
