Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
