so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
