I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
