I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
