i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
time to smoke my breakfast
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
