he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
