Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
