did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
