I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
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