I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
