I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
