Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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