Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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