So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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