Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
