i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
