come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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