WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
