3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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