sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
