Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
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