TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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