He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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