If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
