By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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