my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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