Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
