Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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