am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
