He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
