i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
