I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
