I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
