Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
