If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
