I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I will die if light touches me.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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