you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
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Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
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My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
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