I wish my penis had an off switch
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
