yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
