so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
