I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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